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When I was growing up, I had the best backyard anyone could dream of. It was like something from a 5th grade -reading -level novel. Immediately behind my house, there’s a wash (once known as Cub Lake, but since has been drained) with ancient, tall trees on either side. Further along, if you were to walk down this wash, you would come across my neighbor’s tire swing, which my siblings/cousins and I have broken at least three times. Past that, there’s a meadow where there used to be a giant log we’d have to climb over to get to. The meadow is almost a perfect square, bordered with tall pine trees, and a flimsy wire fence dividing it in half, but bent down into the sharp grass, so you could trip over it if you’re running and not looking out for it. Beyond the meadow, there used to be an abandoned observatory we weren’t allowed to go in, but did anyway. The observatory has been torn down for at least five years, but it was pretty cool. Beyond that, if you go back up to where the road is, you’ll find the backside of the hill that’s in front of my house. This side, hidden from the main road, used to be covered in giant boulders that we would climb and find hidden “forts” in. It probably wasn’t the safest idea to squeeze underneath randomly placed boulders, but again, it was pretty cool, and the rocks had fossilized sea shells stuck all over them. Growing up, we would play in my backyard about everyday, especially in the summer.
Today, in “adult land” I received an e -mail from my boss, telling me that she no longer has a position open for me as a late- day teacher. Her reasoning was understandable, they’re making cuts and she’s been getting pressure from the owners to downsize. She also told me that she really wanted to find a position for me, and that she wants to put me on the top of her sub –list, and wondered if I could still go to Flagstaff early to help them set up. I’m super heartbroken about this. I’ll try to shy away from getting too rant-y on this, but finding something like this out just sucks. I’ve been talking for awhile now about how I really, really miss my “kids.” How much I love being a teacher, and how awesome its going to be this year to see how they’ve grown, and meet the new students. I worked very hard all last semester to juggle my full load of classes, and working extra hours to help them out when they were short- handed. And just last May, I remember I was ecstatic when they asked me if I would come back next year. This was a job I loved, that I looked forward to, and ache to think about how long it’s been since I’ve seen my students. I also was depending on the money, even though it wasn’t much, it would have been almost enough to cover my housing for next year. Despite my joyful testimony about how I’ll be debt –free when I graduate, it looks as though this isn’t going to work out either.
After my
good cry, bowl of ice cream, and zombie –staring at the television for a good
hour or so, I looked outside. The sky was gray and thunder was rumbling in the
distance. I went downstairs and opened the door to my backyard. I walked down
into the wash, and made my way slowly to the meadow. I noticed some changes,
the giant log has been mysteriously removed, some of the trees have fallen,
and/or died, but it was still my playground, as if an eight year old me just
left it yesterday. In the back of the meadow, I sat on the hill right before
the forest begins again, and stared at the marvelousness before me. The sky was
a deep -sea blue -gray, the giant, ancient trees swaying back and forth, bark
black from being damp, and millions of pine needles puffing out in a thriving
bright green color. For a moment, I just sat up there and gladly transitioned
my thoughts on the beauty of creation. There are no remnants save for empty space
where the observatory was, and the boulders have been removed and instead
there’s a track for dirt bikes and quads. But as I walked along the road,
sandwiched between the forest and the hill outside my house, I could see a few
kids chasing each other where the boulders used to be. I waved at a neighbor,
letting her dog out, and stopped by to visit my Grandpa and his new wife,
Vicki. This was the first time I’ve done that walk in the two months I’ve been
home. It’s funny how easily we forget the things that enriched our childhood. I
didn’t come up with any solutions for my problems from walking around in a
forest, I didn’t become a vegan, or Earth –worshiper, or decide to pull an
“Into the Wild” adventure (listening to Eddie Vedder’s “Society” from that
movie). The only epiphany I had, was remembering that God is good. I am alive,
well, and I have options. Maybe I’ll decide to stay home for the three weeks I
planned to couch- surf, and instead paint or wallow in grief or both and come
out with a very depressing macabre series. Maybe I’ll be such an awesome sub,
that they’ll pay me double and it’ll make up for my lack of hours. Or maybe
I’ll become a billionaire etsy seller, and never have to complete my senior
year in college, and paint pictures of myself rolling in cash. Until then, the
name no longer gets a “miss” with it, so… that’s awkward.
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